caroliiiiine

sometimes i think that the most simple things are beautiful. like eyelashes. like blurred lights. like passing trains. like fogged mirrors.


sometimes i think i'm the only one who can see these things.

I lie on my bed, and feel the sheets around me. Bitterly cold, and untouched, still in disarray as you left them. I lie here, trying to mould into them, trying to make them warm again, as though you were right beside me. Closing my eyes I can’t bear to look around this room, as everything reminds me of you. I feel paralyzed, afraid to roll to the other side, to see your pillow with no indent. It makes me wonder if what I’m feeling is right. If I’ve mistaken this nightmare as reality.

And maybe this just isn’t right, having to feel like you’re gone for good. Feeling the contrast of these cold sheets against my skin, this ache captivating every function in my body. Just as you left those sheets, in disarray in chaos, you left me here believing that love is just a game, love is just a dare. You left me here, barely able to stand, barely able to look at you straight in the eye.

You poured another glass and said "i'm game if you are," and before we knew it you’re holding me, your grasp pulling me closer, our eyes full of lust and our breaths hot with liquor. Our bodies fitting like pieces to a puzzle, no spaces between, or cracks needing to be filled. Our eyes were locked, our hearts in tune. I trace your hand, thinking it would never leave. Thinking this could be more than a game, that we didn't need to be dared.

NOW

This room is vacant, just like my eyes. These sheets are cold, just like my heart. I’m laying here, frightened to open my eyes and observe this harsh light, this frivolous act we have done.

But you do the honours to put me out of denial, by these sheets never absorbing the warmth as they once did; by my ears seeming deaf; as they cannot hear your sweet heartbeat. My eyes are frantically looking right and left; for captivation, for your sweet irises, but all I see are shades of grey, and nothing of colour. I finally take in all of this pain, all that I have left. That I’ve been impractical, I’ve been mislead, in better terms screwed over.

So raise your glass, to yet again filling this empty glass, for giving me an umbrella in a storm, for making my sheets briefly warm. For thinking I could have what others had; someone to love no matter the circumstances. But when I soak up this truth, and throw away the denial, all we had was the liquor and lust, no words such as “relationship” hanging in the air. Nothing to keep you in my bed, or in my life much longer than a night.

And cheers as, I’m just another piece of clutter on your shelf, another cup of coffee that you’ve lost interest in and gone cold. Chills go up my spine, and my skin is tingling with obsolete, I feel trapped, I feel like I’ll never find love itself in this hell, where everything is a game.

I tape my heart back in place, where the cracks ache, too much to staple or to stitch
I tape my heart with fast pace, hoping for a quick fix, to these duration of heartbreaks
I tape my heart back without thinking, tired of the conituance of your voice ringing in my ears, your face in my eyes.
I tape my heart back looking up and all around, to anything but the past, to anything that got me here
I tape my heart back scared, to feel, to feel my heart cold and lonely, to feel the crack begin to surface
I tape my heat so it will give you a chance, to give you the world, as you gave me mine
I tape my heart in arm span length, but, this tape just isn’t sticky enough

Its so simple that my heart won't race forever for you. Your words that you spoke won't be heard and reoccurring in my mind, your movements won't be intricate and delicate as I once saw.

we changed, and all I see when I look into your eyes is the reflection of a stranger.  

I wish I remembered the look on your face when we first met. I wish I remembered the feeling of my heart dropping into my stomach, when I watched you come close. I remember the times you looked into my eyes, or moved the hair out of my face. When you held me close no matter who passed. Now that we're drifting apart, now that everything is changing, my feelings have been blinded by ache. Now all that's left in my body is this heartbeat that only beats to keep my blood pulsing, my lungs able to reach a breath. My mind wheels. And I wish that I could just figure us out. Where the world decided to keep on moving in circles, instead of pausing for us. I wish I could remember what it was like to hear your voice in the late hours of the night, to see your face across the table of that small town cafe, to feel your lips against my own. I wish I knew if you ever thought of me, even if you were holding someone else. I wish I knew if you felt the longing to win me back. I wish I was your favourite person, I wish you would still do anything to hear me laugh. Now all I know, is that I've lost all that made my heart smile, and that everything is in past tense. I miss the feeling of my hand being held, of my nose being kissed, feeling each day was complete after being with you. And now, now that your too far away for arms reach, I wonder if you ever thought of me before you went to sleep, and during the day where I didn't see your face. I wonder if you're lying awake, at the same hours of the night, feeling all this heartbreak. I wish you'd realize that I'm all that you need. And now, I wish you would ask more than "How are you?", and if I said "Not well without you." what you would possibly do? I wish that you would have the decency to look at me, when our paths crossed. I just want you to remember like I do. Because all I know is that I felt safe with you, and when we were something, it felt like everything was in place. I wonder, as the world moves forward but I'm moving back, if there is anything left?

I feel defeated
I feel small
I feel torn
I feel sick
I feel wrong
I feel tired
I feel scared
I feel worthless
I feel numb
I feel fragile
I feel dumb
I feel insecure

I want the world to leave me be
I want to be left alone, left untouched.
I want to live my own life, with no voices telling me what's right and what's wrong.
I don't want to carry anymore burdens, and feel as if everything I have done is a mistake or a sin.

I just feel so sick of everything and everyone that's in my way.